


Kara on my layered son

by SpiralQueen



Category: Shrek (2001), Shrek 2 (2004), Shrek Forever After (2010), Shrek Series, おそ松さん | Osomatsu-san (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bounty Hunters, I do this because I don't love myself, M/M, Shrek has been a naughty boy he needs a smacked botty, Shrek is Love Shrek is Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 11:01:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6608218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiralQueen/pseuds/SpiralQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Damn Jess back at it again with your Shrek fanfictions</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kara on my layered son

Kara on my layered son

 

$50 000 000. Dead or Alive.

Shrek was a man with a bounty on his head, six months on the run. Tax evasion, fraud, homicide…all part of the parcel when you were the owner of the most notorious tax haven to date. It was quite the scandal when it hit the news, with politicians and billionaires alike called out for hiding their wealth in “off-shore” banks. “His Swamp Banking Corporation”; the name all-too-often blazed in the headlines. Starting at the tender age of 14, it had been a clean business. He had started off small, offering his services to local farmers concerned about the intentions of their rather volatile neighbours _(Shrek had been one of those “neighbours”, but you’d be surprising to find how endearing a chubby ogre can look in a suit too small)_. Once he found his feet he was able to delve deeper into the pond, attracting the more fatter of cats; Lord Farquad of all people was one of his loyal clientele. He was charming, but terrifying when he needed to be…an all-star in the banking world.

Maybe he got too greedy? Maybe he was too eager to get his game on…to get paid? We can never truly know what happened inside that onion-haired skull, but the figures and documents amounted against him paint a very bleak picture. A picture that has made him a wanted man.

 

* * *

 

 

Karamatsu. 20-something. Bounty Hunter. They say only shooting stars break the mould, but oh boy did Kara come close.

Firstly, in the way that he dressed. Like stars the glitter on his crocodile skin boots near-blinded when he walked. Ever present glasses hid ash-brown eyes framed by on-fleek brows. His skin-tight jeans hid absolutely nothing.

Secondly, in the way that he spoke. He was a native to Japan, but a childhood obsession with American classics such as the OC, Vampire Diaries and Sex in the City left him with an adorable habit of dropping odd English words and phrases into his conversations. He was particularly fond of the word “ ** _brutha_** ”.

Lastly, Karamatsu is the proud owner of not only five brothers, but NO NO NO LADIES AND GENTLEMAN HE ALSO GETS TO TAKE HOME TODAY…*drum roll pls* CRIPPLING ANXIETY!  
You see growing up as one of six had for him taken the biggest toll. Whilst his brothers had bickered, rebelled against each other and gone through their angsty phases and oh yeah turned into a fucking cat at one point; he had bared it. And because he had bared it, this sort of behaviour was expected of him. His brothers saw him as the cool head of the group that they would, now and then, burn by the stake. Over time his brothers got the idea, somehow, that perhaps Kara thought fighting and their antics beneath him. More and more he felt himself ostracised from their discourse, until eventually it was like he was Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense _(Kara is a big Brucie fan)_. It was then that he decided that he needed to make like a tree and get a job.

So maybe I should elaborate a bit at this point, because it is obvious that a kind-hearted nerd like Karamatsu is highly unlikely to be the best choice for a bounty hunter, but stay with me on this one.

Karamatsu loves space; it’s his aesthetic. From bedazzled jeans to his blog of starry skies…he lives and breathes space. When he first marathoned the Star Wars films it had been like losing his virginity. It was a horrendous day’s viewing; Jyushi had left him an eggy fart which had lingered for the best part of an hour and Ichimatsu had done one more and shat on the floor when Princess Leia (you know the outfit) had appeared on screen. Despite all this, he had loved it and since then was enamoured with the idea of dropping all ties with his earthly life and venturing into the vast unknown, along with his bounty hunter boyfriend Bobba Fett. He didn’t actually know, at first, what the word mean, but the great Dayon purge of 2010 changed everything.

He had lost everyone that day; watched his brothers vored alive one by one by the monolexic monster. Wannabe. Loser. Pathetic. The realisation that he would never again hear those words shouted his way changed him. On that day he vowed he would find that creature that took their lives and he would kill them.

_(I may have told a slight porky pie earlier by saying that Kara **has** 5 brothers, but that would have spoiled it so shrekimasen. All your faves are dead.)_

 

* * *

 

 

It had been pretty easy to shake off the po po; creating false identities was his strong point, he had many layer after all. Furthermore, the nature of his business meant that the ogre had friends in high places and if they didn’t instantly comply you’d be surprised how fast they would, faced with an hour locked in the port-a-loo. It had taken barely 5 minutes for the Fairy Godmother to break and for him to acquire the appearance-altering potion he required.

That had been 6 months ago to the day.

Of all his genius ideas Shrek would have to say that the Swamp getaway retreat was his finest. Hidden in the great expanse of an ancient wood, he was protected by the abundance of rumour surrounding the place; of which he had great joy to partake. Locals told great tales of people who emerged from the woods drenched in a translucent goo that they could never wash off, able only to utter the phrase “I’m a delivery boy” ogre and ogre. God knows what he delivered.

The swamp was an enchanting place; crops grew _(onions, just onions_ ) to extraordinary heights bathing in the golden-tinted light of the sun and untouched expanses of land sprouted wild flowers unseen in the outer plains. It was a place where one could find oneself, without pretence or judgement. One could let out all of their gases, then those gases could feed the crop and then one could re injest those gases. What a beautiful life.  

 

* * *

 

 

Like an uke after a ferocious and a tad kinky one night stand, something about these stories didn’t sit quite right. Kara prided himself in data collection, his manner was reassuring and straight forward which helped when it came to interrogation, but in this case these stories were giving him nothing. Well, he was able to infer that whatever was carrying the attacks was male if “delivery boy” was anything to go by, but in all cases the victims were unable to tell him exactly what had been given to them. It was frustrating, going into the situation blind, not knowing what he would find in the depths of the wood and if he would even get that far. All he knew was that something was hiding in that wood. And that he wouldn’t let his brother’s sacrifice be in vain.

**~~~~**

It had been all too easy thus far, no wild beasts had met him on the winding path through the woods. Birds sang in trees just the same; rabbits and deer moved at no faster rate or greater urgency. After an hour walk, Kara was beginning to think it was time to give up and turn back on himself. Perhaps the so called “victims” had made the mistake of eating a dodgy mushroom or something. He was a hot sticky frustrated mess; booty shorts beginning to cut into his sweaty ass cheeks.

However, just as he made the movement to turn on his heels, he heard something booming in the distance. A gentle and rhythmic thud like…dance music?! Kara was curious. If the local knowledge was anything to go by he was nowhere near the edge of the forest, so how could he be hearing this? Was he hallucinating out of stress or heat?

…

Nah, this he had to check out.

So, ignoring the searing pain in his posterior, he began his investigation to the source of the sound. He upped his pace, fearful that the music would stop before he could reach it and tripped his way over branches and roots, desperate for a reason he couldn’t explain. The thrill of the chase perhaps…yes, that had to be it.

 

**~~Many falls and applications of sudocream later~~**

 

At long last he had found it…the curious sound was coming from between the branches.

Click. He attached his removable binocular lenses onto those iconic shades and peered through the branches. He could have never predicted the sight he saw next.

Rippling waves coursing through muddied water a complete contrast to the beauty that lay, delicately sipping a pint of Corogre beer, on the neon pink lilo. He took in the sight thirstily; Ray Bans perched on a button nose, fine white hairs sprouting all about his body, including the great green cloppers that hung just shy of the water.

“WHY HERLOOOO THARRR”, his voice boomed like static, almost deafening the hunter. It gave him a semi.

How in the world had he seen him?! What power hid behind those gorgeous eyelashes…had those tantalising probes sticking out of his head detected him? Lost in thought, he failed to notice the dreamboat was drifting his way.Sliding off the lilo and rolling onto land in a beautiful movement, he got to his feet.

Man, he toll.

It was strange how unguarded he was as he swaggered to the barzebo. Kara was glad of this, because it allowed him a scrumptious view of that saggy arse.

“Can I get you anything sunshine?”

His voice was much mellower than he was expecting; it was a voice that sounded worn, as if it was just waking from a deep slumber. Like the voice, half-lidded eyes looked tired as they met his.

“The name’s Shrek by the way”

Kara swallowed deeply; realisation and arousal drying out his throat. He wanted to smack himself in the face for not realising it sooner. Green, tall and charming. This was Shrek. A convicted felon, wanted man.

“ ** _Sex on the beachu_** ”, he croaked, mouth dry as parchment.

Their gazes met, they shared a mutual smirk and in that moment they both knew. Shrek knew who Kara was; Kara knew who he was. Yet neither of them made to escape, instead Kara got up from his crouching position in the shadows and walked down into the expanses of what he now knew to be Shrek’s swamp. Shrek eyed him every step of the way, still slurping at the beverage in his hand.

* * *

 

 

The lads were wankered. One drink, five, ten…how many had they consumed again? Let’s just say enough that those pesky booty shorts Kara was wearing were a thing of the past. Who would’ve thought that Shrek owned a mankini in his size and was nice enough to lend him as to “protect the crown jewels” (his words not mine)?  

“LADS ON TOUR! LADS ON TOUR!”, Kara screamed as he launched another water balloon at Shrek’s head.

“YOUUU fookin’! Tha wa rite in ma eye you knob’ead!”, the roaring ogre now stripped down to his skids spat.

The angry green barrelled over to the megane, making the earth quake as he did. Sausage fingers on one of his great paws held the hunter down, whilst the other tickled ferociously at his ribs. Desperate cries of “ ** _stop_** ” did little to fend off the onslaught of callused wieners and before you know it the boys were falling to the floor in peals of laughter. There they stayed lying side by side, until the urge to vomit from excessive laughter died down.

By now it was night; the sweet bird song replaced by the hypnotic hum of crickets and insects. The sun that had illuminated the patch in the day had gone to bed only for the lonesome moon to take it’s turn. They watched this moon as they lay; deep craters reminding Kara of the many dimples on the ogre’s head, Shrek of the dimples of the hunter’s cheeks that showed when he was amused.  

It was Kara who broke the silence, “I remember “ ** _my mutha_** ” used to tell me that the moon was made of cheese…”

Shrek snorted at this, “Ne’r heard that one befor”

Humming in agreement, Kara continued, “Yeah, it was an odd thing to tell a child. “ ** _So crazy_** ”. But it taught me something about life y’know. Cause when I was that age I’d believe all those mad stories and I’d continue to believe them as I grew older. Only then would I learn that they were made up, all “ ** _nonsense_** ”. It taught me that I should never believe what others tell me purely on face value…that things tend to be deeper than that. That the monsters we are told about aren’t always…”

Kara stuttered, seeing that the ogre was now leaning on his elbow; muddy eyes directly on him. **_Much pressure._**

“…monsters.”

The ogre blinked unintelligibly, but a tell-tale blush dusted his cheeks. He cleared his throat before flopping back down onto the grass.

“Whye do ya wear those shades K-dog?”

_(Ah. So he was changing the subject, ha. That’s so kawaii…so tsundere)_

“These?”, pointing up to his sunglasses, although nobody would see it. “These are for protection….have you ever looked a dying man in the eyes?”

A montage of decapitated farmers and charred limbs roasting on the BBQ filled the ogre’s head. He bit his lip, but said nothing.

Taking his silence as shock Kara continued, “No, neither have I. And I hope to keep it that way.”

Once again leaning onto his elbow, Shrek sat up this time and looked out into the swamp as he spoke.

“You don’t look the type to kill a man…”

Kara couldn’t breathe for shock, as he felt like a frog on a dissection table. How had this being who had known him barely half a day been able to unmask him in such a short time; was he really that astute? He had always been taught that ogres were selfish creatures who didn’t care to delve into the inner workings of others…once again like the cheesy moon that had been a lie. This ogre sitting before him, glowing in a halo of light had done unspeakable things. He had delivered something to those locals that had left them dumb shells that jumped if someone cut a fart too loud. Yet to the hunter he had delivered nothing but understanding, acceptance and a shit ton of booze. He suddenly had the urge to embrace the ogre. Instead he sat up on the grass and shimmied forward to be beside Shrek. The struggle that the simple movement had been meant that he couldn’t help but acknowledge how likely he was to have a banging hangover the next morning. However, this wasn’t important now.

The movement was quick, you’d miss it if you blinked. His hand moved up and removed his glasses, before setting them with a flick of his wrist into the swamp.

“K-Karamatsu, you…”

A smile was his response his eyes, naked at last, meeting the ogre’s earnestly.

“B-but…what about your mission? You can’t let me get away…I won’t let you sacrifice yourself for a piece of trash like me!”

A ripple of laughter filled the air and his eyebrows did the signature quirk.

“When did I ever say I would let you get away?”

“Huh, but I though…”

“You thought wrong, **_baby_** ~”

Shrek couldn’t help but giggle at that, whether it was out of shock or awe in the way that Karamatsu’s smile rivalled the stars in shine. We will never know.

 

_(To be continued?)_

_(…probably not)_

_(Sorry guys, I’m a sadistic motherfucker)_

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this delight for a bea-loved friend (yes I know I do have friends...it's a shock for me too that I don't just write Shrek fanfics, but bitch got get paid).  
> I hope you like it honey!
> 
> Talk to me about Shrek:  
> Twitter: ogrejess  
> Tumblr: ace-cdc.tumblr.com


End file.
